[***]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[ALARM BUZZES]
[TURNS ALARM OFF] Aah!
Good morning, honey.
BOTH: Uugh...
Mwah.
Gee, you were great last night, Al.
You snored "Vaya con Dios" in your sleep,
while your nose hairs
swayed romantically to the beat.
Yeah, you were pretty good yourself, Peg.
You sweated your silhouette on the sheets.
Oh, honey, let's do something special tonight.
You know, like we used to.
You mean, like, I say I don't wanna get married,
and you book the hall?
Actually, I was thinking
we could find someplace romantic
and grope each other in the dark.
I couldn't find anything in the dark.
None of the important parts
are where they used to be.
Actually, you couldn't find them
in the light, either. Ha, ha, ha.
Pillow talk all you want, Peg,
but tonight's bowling night.
I can't be with you.
I'm gonna have fun.
Well, it's just as well.
I'm gonna be pretty tired
after a whole day in the beauty parlor.
Ha, ha, ha.
I guess we can't put it off any longer.
We've both got a lot to do. Come on.
[AL GRUNTS] [PEG SIGHS]
Ah!
What do you want for breakfast, honey?
Bacon and eggs?
AL: Ah, that'd be great.
Good. While you're at it, make me some too.
[CUSTOMERS LAUGH]
Ok, ok, ok, ok. How 'bout this:
How much would it take
for you to do the deed of darkness
with Garry Shandling?
[IN UNISON] Ewww!
Ten million.
Twenty if he wants to talk.
[ALL LAUGH]
How about with Sonya's husband?
[IN UNISON] Ewww!
We'll be with you in a minute, Mrs. Rhoades.
Oh...
I'm kind of nervous about this.
I don't like new people doing my hair.
Why did Mr. Maurice
have to get in that slap fight with Julio?
Don't worry, Marcy. You'll look great.
They're known for tailoring each hairdo
to the individual.
So when was the last time you got it, Peggy? Hooh!
Got it, or got it good?
[ALL LAUGH]
Bleached.
Siliconed.
Kept.
Happy.
We're ready for you now, Mrs. Rhoades,
and we're gonna make you beautiful.
Do you sell insurance, like at the airport?
What's wrong with our husbands, anyway?
We go out of our way
to look beautiful for them,
and all we are
are things to strike a match on.
I know.
The only time Al looks at me
is when he wants the cap off his beer.
As if his teeth aren't as good as mine!
I'll tell ya, if I could get the paper boy
to come up for some hot cocoa just once,
I'd chuck my husband in a second.
Husbands.
Actually, husbands are wonderful...
if they're not your own.
Well, they're grateful for the smallest bit of attention.
They're horny as all get-out.
And the best part of it:
their spirit's already been broken.
Well, isn't breaking it part of the fun?
Oh, no. The fun is the condos, the cars
and the sex every night. Ha, ha, ha!
Oh, believe me,
the best things in life are someone else's.
Well, when do you get to see him?
I mean, how do husbands get out?
Well, they may appear stupid,
but they usually find an excuse to get away.
Usually bowling.
That's what my current guy says.
He is married to a real shrew.
She doesn't cook for him. She doesn't clean for him.
Well, it's so easy to please a man who has nothing.
Fry him up a burger,
and you get a 24-inch Sony.
Are you ready for your color now, dear?
Oh, sure.
Now, don't let it go red.
He says that color
makes him want to throw up.
Hey, everybody, Al's cheating on Peggy!
PEG [UPSTAIRS]: Oh, Marcy, stop complaining.
I think you look great.
Oh, Marcy, I'm really worried
about Al and this other woman.
Oh, who cares about your petty problems?
I'm a helmet-head!
BOY [ON STREET]: Look! It's the Pope!
Lick a wall socket!
Don't worry. Just do what I said,
and your girlfriend will never find out you're cheating on her.
Trust me. I'm an expert.
All right. I'll see you tonight
under the bleachers.
Oh, and this time,
leave your camera at home. Thanks. Bye.
Kelly, I wanna talk to you about something.
I'm a good girl, Mommy.
I said no camera.
Oh, I don't care what you do.
This is about me.
Bud, get lost.
Honey, look.
You've obviously been "the other woman"
ever since you learned
to slit your diapers up the side.
But tell me,
how come their girlfriends never find out?
Well, you know,
people throw the word "hussy" around,
but they don't understand
the research and preparation involved.
No guy walks away from me
without lessons in the art of cover-up.
And the number of the free clinic.
Go look in the mirror and twitch.
Anyway, the first thing that I teach them
is that a woman can pick up the scent
of another woman on her man.
So, to get rid of it,
I have them rub their hands in the grass.
Does he ask you to move,
or does he work around you?
Is there no kennel that will take him?
Bud, please.
We both know your sister's not a tramp.
She's just popular.
Ok. Date's over. Your smell's off him.
Now what?
[SIGHS] Always make sure they have an excuse.
Somewhere they've been. Um...
The library, their parole officer,
the drunk tank.
Bowling?
Well, that works for older guys.
Hm. Your father's out bowling tonight.
Oh, well, I mean...
I meant people older than Daddy.
Are there any?
Hey, Mom.
Do you think Dad's cheating on you?
Oh, of course not.
Good. 'Cause we don't wanna see
you and Dad break up.
We're almost like a family here.
You two should stay together forever.
However,
if you find that you can't,
may I suggest Mr. Rudnick, the butcher?
He makes a nice living.
We'd always have fresh meat on the table
and season tickets to the Cubs.
Can't say I like the sound of Bud Rudnick.
But pound for pound, he's the better father.
Oh, wait. Not so fast, Bud.
I've been scoping out
Mr. Fletcher, the dry cleaner.
He's got a Porsche, cable TV and a bad heart.
Rudnick.
Fletcher.
Rudnick! Fletcher!
Kids!
Now, your father and I love each other very much.
And I'm gonna do everything in my power
to make sure we stay together.
Then what did you get us all excited for?
Is this another one of your cruel jokes?
Yeah, what are we,
just playthings for your amusement?
Oh, that reminds me. I'm late for my date.
AL: Hi, Kelly.
Hey,
what are you throwing the grass on me for?
KELLY: 'Cause I don't wanna be a Rudnick.
Hello, Al.
How was, uh... bowling?
Well, Peg, it was, uh... fine.
Good.
[SNIFFS WILDLY]
[SNIFFS]
Well, Peg, what's next?
We go out, find a fire hydrant,
lift our legs?
I just wanted to make sure
all the smells are where they should be.
Ooh!
And they are.
Is that a burger I smell on your breath?
No, Peg, it's our wedding cake.
That's the last time I ate.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
What's going on around here?
I might ask you the same thing,
Mr. 24-inch Sony.
Don't call me a TV in my own home.
You're a TV.
BUD [UPSTAIRS]: Dad, it's for you. Some woman.
Hello.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah. I guess I can make it.
Ok, yeah, yeah. Bye.
That was Jim Bauer's wife.
It looks like he got some kind of stomach flu or something.
It looks like I got to work for him at the store
the rest of the week.
Anything for supper?
I hate you, Al.
Toaster!
[SIZZLING]
PEG: I'll show that woman she's not the only one
who can cook a burger.
Oh, so...
So you, like, reverse it?
It's called "flipping it over. "
That way, it gets cooked on both sides.
Oh. Gee.
I wonder if that would work with pancakes?
Oh, Marcy, I can't believe it.
I've taken the best years of Al's life,
and this is how he thanks me.
Peggy, I really don't think
Al's cheating on you.
I took an impromptu poll of all the women I know,
and as far as his desirability,
Al ranked below Alf.
Which means they'd rather make love
to a piece of cloth with a man's hand in it...
than with your husband.
What if he is cheatin' on me?
Stand by your man...
in court.
Take him for everything,
and get yourself another man.
A real man.
I don't want a real man.
I want Al.
Why?
Oh, I don't know.
Have you ever had
a favorite pair of old shoes?
They're boring and ugly
and stink to high heaven.
But they're yours, you know?
They're worn down and broken in,
and when you put 'em on,
it feels like there's nothing there.
Ha, ha, ha. That's my Al.
I've lost my stinkin' Al.
Aw...
Not yet.
I told you, I had Steve wear a disguise
and follow Al since last night.
He has nothing else to do,
because he won't go near me with this hair.
Hello, Peggy.
Bee-woman.
So, what'd ya find out about Al?
I found out that he has the most pathetic life
of any creature on this planet...
and has nicer hair than my wife.
Heh, heh, heh!
[SNAPS FINGERS]
Uh... Ahem... Now for my report.
"Subject arrived at work at 7 p. m. last night.
"Wept till 7:30. Then turned on lights.
"Inventory till 8:30. Bathroom till 10.
"10:07: Ate dinner consisting of packaged condiments
"he lifted from Barney Dog.
"10:31: The mall security guard comes by,
"clubs me about the head and ears
and takes my watch. "
So from here on,
I don't know what time anything happens.
"Went home. "
Looked at the sleeping Klingon
that used to be my wife...
Come on, lice-capade.
Is he cheatin' on me or not?
Absolutely not.
You are a liar.
All you men stick together.
Yeah.
You probably weren't even watching Al.
Where have you been?
You got me.
An old girlfriend, Kathleen Turner, was in town.
So I rubbed some grime and lice on my body,
and we went dumpster hopping.
Well, you hate my hair so much,
you'd really do that, wouldn't you?
Well...
Yeah.
Well, let's just see Kathleen Turner
make melon balls for you.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry!
Hey, Peg.
I just saw Steve and Marcy.
Boy, Marcy looks ridiculous.
Hi, Al.
Honey, look.
Look, look, look.
I... I made you a hamburger,
and I even cooked it on both sides.
Well, Peg, I'm not hungry.
I filled up at the store on ketchup and mustard.
Besides, I'm going bowling tonight.
Oh, no, you're not.
I know what you're up to.
You're making the 7-10 split with some blonde floozy.
That's what this is about?
You think I'm cheating on you?
Well, what else am I gonna think?
You go to work, come home.
I'm not blind, you know.
Peg, sit down.
Honey, you're an idiot.
You think that just because I don't tell ya I love ya,
I don't wanna spend any time with ya,
and your voice often makes me cringe,
that I want another woman?
You're the only one for me.
You really mean that?
Well, sure. What do I always say?
"Why go out for milk when you got a cow at home?"
Oh, honey.
You really do love me.
Let's go upstairs and have sex right now.
Now, honey, you know what I always say:
"No. "
Now, look, Peg.
I gotta go upstairs and wash the feet off my hands.
I know you're cheatin' on me, and I'll find out.
Mark my words.
I'll win you back. And when I do,
you better pack your bags, 'cause you're out of here.
Look at her. Sitting there, all blond and pretty.
I bet Al takes his socks off for her.
Mine doesn't even
take the cigar out of his mouth.
Mine does.
He rests it on my forehead.
Oh, what could he see in her?
Now, you know how I like it. Just even out the ends,
but don't lose any length.
He likes it long. Ha!
That's what turns him on.
Oh, does it, Al?
Marcy,
could you subtly distract the hairdresser?
The one who did my hair?
I'll try.
Remember, just the ends.
Leave it long.
[MIMICKING HAIRDRESSER] Just like he likes it.
So, uh,
how many husbands have you stolen?
Hm. Ten or 12.
But the year is still young. Ha!
And the best part is, I've never been caught.
Oh! Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Ah!
I guess you're just too smart for 'em, huh?
You know, I've even had sex in their own beds
while their wives were out shopping.
Ha, ha, ha!
[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]
[SINGS WORDLESSLY, LAUGHING]
Um...
Just keep on reading, honey,
and I'll get right back, and we'll get started.
Hi, Al.
What brings you here?
Well, judging by the condition of my bowling ball,
I figured you might be in a mood.
Aw, look, honey. What the hell.
I been thinking. You know, we're married.
You deserve a jump every now and then.
So I checked the TV Guide.
There's nothing on Saturday night.
So what say we make a date
somewhere between eight and 8:30
during Mr. Belvedere.
Well, maybe we could go a little longer
if I were wearing this.
What do I care what you're wearing?
I'll just be watching the clock.
Come on.
I want you to meet someone.
Okay.
Hi.
Who's this?
You mean, you're not sleepin' with him?
Ha, please. Even I have standards.
Ha, ha, ha!
So you were really jealous, huh, Peg?
Well, who can blame you?
Stallion like me
only comes around once a year.
Exactly once a year.
Yeah. I guess it was pretty silly of me
thinkin' you were cheatin'. Ha, ha, ha!
How stupid! Ha, ha, ha!
Like someone else would have you.
Oh, I feel like such a fool.
I mean, you are a middle-aged shoe salesman.
Some woman would have to be pretty darn desperate...
Ok, Peg.
That's enough of an apology now.
Good night.
Al. Leave me alone.
Oh, well.
At least it's nice to know
I'm the only one you're not doin' it with.
Ha, ha, ha!
Good night, honey.
[***]